


Letting Go

by Ace_Pirate



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I'm nervous, Light Angst, M/M, One Shot, Post-Canon, TW: Homophobia, hermann needs so many hugs I love my disaster boys, hope y'all like it, post movie 1, this is my first time posting on this site help, tw: bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-04-06 23:19:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14067774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ace_Pirate/pseuds/Ace_Pirate
Summary: Why do the worst memories stay the longest?Hermann tells the story of the reason he uses a caneEdit: if you're still bitter at how bad Uprising was, this one happens after the first movie and everything is fine





	Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> My friend made the mistake of telling me angst headcanons. The result will shock you.  
> ...  
> Or not, but give it a shot, will ya?

           Newton honestly couldn’t understand how his lab partner even breathed in the middle of all that chalk. Hermann was standing on a ladder, erasing his mathematic scribbles on the chalkboard. White dust was flying everywhere, forming a cloud in the air and landing on his clothes. Newt started coughing as soon as he stepped in. Startled, Hermann looked down, but once he noticed who it was, just climbed down the ladder - very slowly, because of his leg. 

           "What are you doing up at such hours?“ He asked. 

           "I know what I’m doing up. What are  _you_  doing up?” Newt grunted back. “Holy shit look at you. You look like a snowman. A really old one.”

           Newton wasn’t one to talk himself. His hair was a mess, and there were dark circles under his eyes. On top of that, all the bruises and cuts his body and face had acquired during the last 24 hours made him look like a very sleepy zombie.

           "It’s really satisfying to finally be able to clean all these boards.“ Answered Hermann, petulantly. “It’s comforting to know I won’t need all those equations anymore. That the war is finally over, and we are ready to move on.”

           Newt waved his head, impressed. He was about to congratulate his partner, when the man said: 

           "Besides, I may had had too much black coffee. I really can’t sleep.“ He admitted. “So I’m trying to tire myself up.”

           "Never mind.“ Newt rolled his eyes. He sat on the worn out sofa in the middle of the lab, the one they used to mark where his working space ended and Hermann’s began. That sofa had kept them from engaging in slap battles against each other on several occasions.

           "So… what are you doing up?” Hermann asked again, moving on to the next board. “Didn’t the party tire you enough to sleep?”

           "I had a bad dream and just had to come and see you." - Newt answered, attempting a charming smile. - "You know what I mean, right, Herm? Say, doesn't it feel good to finally know that..."

           Hermann raised an eyebrow. His face was showing confusion, and once Newton realized it, he stopped dead on his tracks. Oh, no, no way, it couldn't be...

           "The drift... you don't remember the..." - Newt stuttered. - "You have no idea what I'm talking about. Oh." - He managed a quick recovery and rolled his eyes. - "Forget it, then, dumbass."

           He was hurt, of course. Newt cursed to himself. Shouldn't a drift be a two-way road? Shouldn't Hermann know about those feelings he just found out he had for... Maybe it was the kaiju. Maybe the kaiju fucked up their drift, and Hermann didn't get to see and feel his thoughts the same way he felt his. Whatever. It's not like he cared.

           He remembered he was supposed to be explaining himself.

           "I had this weird, oddly real dream. I was falling… it felt like seconds, but took forever at the same time.“ Newt told. “And then I woke up with a blinding pain on my leg. My  _right_  leg.”

           Hermann stared at him, a confused expression in his face. His colleague was looking at him, hesitant.

           "Are you somehow talking about me?“

           "Kind of. I think I felt a side effect of our drift.” He said. “Mako told me she felt her arm hurt after she drifted with Raleigh. She said she could even feel his brother’s ghost through the drift. Said she felt the pain in his last moments, through Raleigh’s memories. Heck, it’s pretty gruesome if you think about it.”

           "Shit, Newt, I’m so sorry…“ Hermann stuttered. "I didn’t even consider that…”

           "It’s okay, I’m completely fine now.“ He assured. "But it hurt pretty  _bad_ , dude. How do you put up with that on a daily basis? Drugs? Is it drugs?” Newt blinked. “Hermann, is it drugs?”

           "I’m not Dr. House, idiot.“ Hermann crossed his arms. "I assure you, I barely even feel it. It’s just a distant, annoying pain. My leg is kinda stiff, but that is all. I’m just as normal as you are. ”

           "Alright, alright. I see…“ Newton thought. "Then maybe this pain I felt isn’t your everyday one.” He guessed. “I think maybe I felt the day of your accident.”

           "Oh.“ Hermann blinked. "Oh, that would be plausible. A lot of bad memories flashed before my eyes during that bloody hurricane we called a drift. I guess at least one must have stuck out.”

           "The thing is you never told me how it happened.“ Newt accused. "Once I asked, and you said you were just born like this.”

           Hermann froze. Well shit. He forgot about that. 

           "You know it’s hard for me to talk about it…“ Hermann insisted. 

           "Why don’t you tell me, dude? We’ve known each other for a long time.” Newt said. “We are friends again, now. We’re drift compatible, for fuck’s sake. Don’t you think that at this point we are close enough for that? Why act so goddamn repressed for no reason?”

           "Shut the fuck up, Newton, you have  _no idea_  what you’re…“ Hermann started yelling, but suddenly interrupted himself. He sighed, and stood quiet in the room, leaning heavily on his cane. He didn’t look up from the floor, and after a few seconds, Newt started to regret having talked altogether.

           "You know what, never mind.” He apologized. “I have no right to insist. It’s personal. I’m sorry.” He started getting up from the sofa. 

           "No, wait! Wait.“ Hermann exclaimed. "Alright. You’re right.” Then he walked to the sofa and took a sit beside him. “I’m sorry, it’s been a really long time anyway, and I… I… I should have let this go already, right? I should just let this go.”

           Newton observed, with piqued interest, as Hermann picked up his cane and held it with both hands. Fidgeting a little, he began telling the story.

           "I was about 13 years old…“ He started. "My school had just won an international chess competition and they announced a party to celebrate. The teacher said there would be dancing, and we could ask someone to be our pair during it. And, uh, well, I had a crush. ”

           "You had a  _what_  now” Newt furrowed his brow. The idea of Hermann actually going through regular teenage things was almost alien.

           "I know. And a pretty cliché one, to be sincere.“ He admitted. “Curly blonde hair, blue eyes, white skin, you know the deal. Looked straight out of a disney movie.”

           Newt nodded, trying to take that in. Overall, sounded like an innocent beginning, for something that apparently ended bad. 

           "We were together in the same math club, and had even talked a few times. So I gathered some courage and sent him a flower.“ Hermann continued. Despite the quite adorable image, his face had suddenly gone dark. "It had a little card attached to it, with my best handwritting, asking him to be my pair, and signed with my name. It was…” He muttered. “My complete, absolute worst mistake.”

           "Oh wait, it was a  _him_.“ Newt remembered. "Of course it was, why did I think… oh wait." 

           "Yes, and he was pretty grossed out that a boy had asked him out. He came complaining right to the teacher.” Hermann told. “Though I didn’t get in trouble for it, she wasn’t really the most open-minded person. No one there was, actually. She told me about how I should be ashamed of doing something like that in her school, and that I should have kept it to myself. And she yelled it, not caring about anyone that might listen. After that, I was exposed. I had been outed.”

           Newt nodded, sympathetically. He knew what it was like to be outed against his will. Situations like those didn’t often end well. It even got him fired from a job once. 

           "But… I had always been the weird kid, you know. The nerd, the weirdo… I was an easy target.“ Hermann proceeded. "Only now the teachers didn’t care. I didn’t matter to them anymore. They started ignoring all my cries for help. This is why the situation escalated so much. This is why… it’s…”

           He covered his mouth with a hand, and Newt could see he was choking back tears. His face had gone pale. 

           "Hey man, uhh…“ he stuttered. "Listen, I shouldn’t have asked. Let’s just leave it, okay, I’m sorr…”

           "They pushed me off the roof.“ Hermann finished. His voice was deathly serious. Newt interrupted himself mid-sentence.

           "Oh no…”

           "It wasn’t enough for them to beat me up. To steal my things. They had to go far with it, to teach me my place. Right in front of a teacher, who pretended not to notice.“ Hermann cried. "It was only one floor, but it hurt bad enough for me to still remember. I broke my leg in three different spots. I never fully recovered from that.”

           His fingers were white from gripping the cane so hard. He was facing the floor, his eyes covered by his hair, but Newt could still see tears beginning to drip. 

           "It’s all in the past now. I should have let this go. I should just…“ Hermann muttered, more to himself than his colleague. "I  _will_  let this go. I  _will leave_ …”

           Newton felt his face burn with shame. God, why didn’t he just stay in his lane. He was curious, he was nosy, and now Hermann was crying. It was all his fault. In a moment of panic, the only thought he had was that he had to comfort him somehow. And this is why he abruptly held his hands.

           Hermann looked up, startled by the sudden physical contact. Newt saw the opportunity to meet his eyes, that now shared a trait with his. He touched his face.

           "I know there’s a lot of cruelty in the world. Specially to people like us.“ He said. He could feel his heart pounding with anxiety, the feeling he might have crossed a boundary, and the fear that he was about to say something he wasn’t ready to acknowledge. Still, he kept talking.” But, Hermann, it doesn’t have to always be like this. We’ve seen, first hand, what respect between people could accomplish. What kindness could accomplish, what cooperation could… what love could… shit…“ he stuttered. "Hermann, I… I… if I told you that I…”

           "You don’t have to say it.“ Hermann answered. He leaned in for a hug, and held Newton as tightly as he could. He returned the embrace, his eyes now tearing up as well. "You don’t have to say it, I already know.” Hermann whispered. “I already know.”

           The piece of shit, Newton thought. He _did_ remember.

**Author's Note:**

> Listen I was REALLY NERVOUS posting this for personal reasons so, since you read till this point can you please leave a comment? It can be just a single sentence, it would already make my day. And guys, thank you *so much* for reading.


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